far-away-dreaming
Music Player Code

Please. I need a hug. I need to talk to someone, I’m choking on air.

I’m torn to shreds and I just want to disappear I’m so tired of being strong I’m such a piece of crap for wanting to fade away my little boy doesn’t deserve me

My words are caught in my throat and they won’t pool out of me. I’ve never had a problem talking. And finally, now, I shut up.

I’m losing more than just myself today. I realized this now when I hit the concrete. Or rather, I wish I had. I need that blunt blow of reality to hit me so I can gauge what’s really happening here. To you, to me, to the people around us.

But your arms caught me once again. See, this past year, you’ve been the one to catch me and move me forward. And I’ve been grateful for every lapse back into your arms.

But god. I’m losing my father, and he asked you to marry me before he goes. And it’s too soon. I know. I wouldn’t ask you to do it if I weren’t sure that you were made for me. But it feels selfish asking, so I won’t ask.

You stood there quiet while my mom tore you to shreds. You wouldn’t take this shit if you didn’t love me. But the way she phrases things makes it seem like you don’t. And her constant poison in my brain sometimes makes me doubt you.

I don’t want to doubt you, or this feeling. But I’m scared that years from now when you’re finally sure, he won’t be there to walk me down the aisle while I’m dressed in white. And that hurts me deep down.

It’s every little girls dream to be married. To have their dad walk them. And the reality is, that won’t happen to me. No matter what. My dad isn’t doing well. My dad is dying. I’ve accepted that.

But god it fucking hurts. To tell a dying man, no I can’t grant you your last wish. To tell your dad that, of all people, breaks my heart.

I wish I could papa. But it isn’t a decision I can make alone.

The decline of chubs. Dinner time is so messy! #thebaby #thechubs #babyboy #food #dinner #buffet #sofat

Those back muscles. He’s buff

Can it be?! Is chubs saying papa already? He’s been doing it for two days. :) #babyboy #thechubs #thebaby #firstword #papa #daddychubs

Those back muscles. He’s buff

He’s sexy for a chubs c’mon. Look at dem legs.

He’s seven months old today!

Is it really that weird that I call chubs my little sexy? :( I’m not a pedo. He’s my son! He’s adorable and cute! I’ve been calling him that for months especially since he likes hanging around in his diaper and nothing else. Blah.

I feel like I’m losing him. And I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared. I’m a piece of shit, I get it, I deserve to be unhappy. But I don’t want to lose him.

I just want a hug.

Hello! I don't know how old your post was that you put up on sixpenceee but it was very intriguing to see how your deep connection with your twin gave you that dream and that feeling in your back. You've probably heard of this before, but it's called stigmatic twins. My friend's dad had a twin and when her dad died, her uncle stopped the car on their way to the hospital and pulled over to cry. When she asked why, he said, "He's gone." And when they got to the hospital, he was right.
crassbutt

Oh shit that’s super creepy.

I can’t even look at myself without breaking down. I’m such a fucking failure. No matter what I do, it’s not right. My son deserves so much more than me, but I kept him because of what? Because I was lonely? Scared? Sometimes I wish I had given him up for adoption because then maybe they would have been able to give him more.

He’s pooping right now.
Now I know why I kept him.
It’s because I love him.

Truth is, I stopped being a person a long time ago.

Sorry I’m not active. I’d rather spend the whole day sleeping than let you guys know what the hell I’m going through right now. I just need a fucking break, I need to breathe. I want to disappear so badly.. It’s never been this bad before. But I can’t. I’ve got Emi. And he needs me here, but I’m failing him.