name: paloma e.
chem, english majors
far away, in a distant land, you'll find happiness. and when you get there, never forget the humble roots from which you came.
Please. I need a hug. I need to talk to someone, I’m choking on air.
I’m torn to shreds and I just want to disappear I’m so tired of being strong I’m such a piece of crap for wanting to fade away my little boy doesn’t deserve me
My words are caught in my throat and they won’t pool out of me. I’ve never had a problem talking. And finally, now, I shut up.
I’m losing more than just myself today. I realized this now when I hit the concrete. Or rather, I wish I had. I need that blunt blow of reality to hit me so I can gauge what’s really happening here. To you, to me, to the people around us.
But your arms caught me once again. See, this past year, you’ve been the one to catch me and move me forward. And I’ve been grateful for every lapse back into your arms.
But god. I’m losing my father, and he asked you to marry me before he goes. And it’s too soon. I know. I wouldn’t ask you to do it if I weren’t sure that you were made for me. But it feels selfish asking, so I won’t ask.
You stood there quiet while my mom tore you to shreds. You wouldn’t take this shit if you didn’t love me. But the way she phrases things makes it seem like you don’t. And her constant poison in my brain sometimes makes me doubt you.
I don’t want to doubt you, or this feeling. But I’m scared that years from now when you’re finally sure, he won’t be there to walk me down the aisle while I’m dressed in white. And that hurts me deep down.
It’s every little girls dream to be married. To have their dad walk them. And the reality is, that won’t happen to me. No matter what. My dad isn’t doing well. My dad is dying. I’ve accepted that.
But god it fucking hurts. To tell a dying man, no I can’t grant you your last wish. To tell your dad that, of all people, breaks my heart.
I wish I could papa. But it isn’t a decision I can make alone.
The decline of chubs. Dinner time is so messy! #thebaby #thechubs #babyboy #food #dinner #buffet #sofat
Can it be?! Is chubs saying papa already? He’s been doing it for two days. :) #babyboy #thechubs #thebaby #firstword #papa #daddychubs
Is it really that weird that I call chubs my little sexy? :( I’m not a pedo. He’s my son! He’s adorable and cute! I’ve been calling him that for months especially since he likes hanging around in his diaper and nothing else. Blah.
I feel like I’m losing him. And I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared. I’m a piece of shit, I get it, I deserve to be unhappy. But I don’t want to lose him.
I just want a hug.
Oh shit that’s super creepy.
I can’t even look at myself without breaking down. I’m such a fucking failure. No matter what I do, it’s not right. My son deserves so much more than me, but I kept him because of what? Because I was lonely? Scared? Sometimes I wish I had given him up for adoption because then maybe they would have been able to give him more.
He’s pooping right now.
Now I know why I kept him.
It’s because I love him.
Truth is, I stopped being a person a long time ago.
Sorry I’m not active. I’d rather spend the whole day sleeping than let you guys know what the hell I’m going through right now. I just need a fucking break, I need to breathe. I want to disappear so badly.. It’s never been this bad before. But I can’t. I’ve got Emi. And he needs me here, but I’m failing him.